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I have always been a talker. Once you get me going, I can go on and on and on. I teach 130 kids a day and stand in front of 28 pairs of eyes staring at my every move and word. Yet speak in front of an audience? Never! My hands start shaking, my chest gets tight and my heart beats so fast and loud I can feel it in my throat. I was at a surprise birthday party for a woman, Peg, who has been in my life and helped raise me since I was 6 weeks old. When people took turns making toasts, I knew what I could say about her. There were so many poignant and humorous anecdotes to share. As I waited for my turn to speak and share such wonderful stories about her, I felt the hands start shaking, and the heart start beating, to the point that I was physically unable to speak. My mom was standing next to me and questioned me later “It looked like you were about so say something, what happened?”
I have found that I am able to speak in front of my students, but never my peers. I have even managed to run assemblies and host school wide geography bees in the auditorium. Still not enjoyable, but I did it! Other teachers or the principal walks in, I feel like I lose my footing and hesitate.
Why is it so hard? Why do more people fear public speaking than death? There is the old Seinfeld joke…” At a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than deliver the eulogy”
I realize that conversing is different than public speaking. Having a conversation with a person, or even teaching a class, provides feedback. Head nods, smiles, direct eye contact instead of a blank stare. In fact, I find the most difficult classes to teach are when the students do just sit there and stare and don’t get engaged. I feel like I am on the spot again and get the familiar tremor in my voice. I also don’t like to be the center of attention. My job as a teacher is not about me, it is about the students. So even though I am standing in front of them, I don’t feel like it is about me. When I am public speaking, there is no denying I am the center of attention.
I have had a few minor bad experiences of public speaking that I will always remember, but nothing really bad enough to claim psychological damage. Surely nothing bad enough to create this fear. I remember speaking in class in high school, when a photographer came in to get candid shots of our class, and I froze then said something incoherent. I remember going to conferences and losing my train of thought and having to sit down. It is the worst feeling standing front of a group of people just staring at me, and nothing is coming out of my mouth, or nothing overly intelligent. I feel like a bumbling failure. Yet, I see other people do it all the time and never think any less of them.
Ok, enough about negative experiences, onto two things I’d like to do before I am 60 and why! YAY!
One is to take flying lessons. A good friend of mine is a pilot and took me up a few times in small 2- 4 seater planes. When the weather was good, I could co-pilot and we went to Block island and Martha’s Vineyard. What an amazing feeling! Kind of like a dream floating and sailing through the sky except there were a lot more controls to watch than if it was just a dream. I would love to get more serious and know how handle a plane.
Another thing that I would like to do is to travel more. I backpacked through Europe after I graduated college and I would like to make the trip again, but this time, stay in nicer hotels and bring nicer clothes. We stuck out in our grungy tank tops and Birkenstocks in the more cosmopolitan cities. I’d like to see Maccu Picchu in Peru and Angor Wat in Cambodia. I’ve always wanted to travel through Thailand and India, take a Safari in South Africa and see New Zealand. My fiancé and I just bought a house and are planning a wedding (of course!), but after all this, we should start saving for our first overseas trip together. I am still trying to sell him on the non-European journeys.

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